Fearlessly Vulnerable...

Anyone reading this knows that my screen name is fearless and for most things, I have no fear...Just ask my friends! Thursday I head to my regularly scheduled Oncology appointment; every 4 months for an exam and blood tests to see if there are any stray cancer cells left in my body. So far, I am all clear.

While I am not any more worried about this visit in comparision to the other bazillion appointments and tests that I have to take, the appointments are still as painful to bear as they were when my diagnosis was new. Infact, in some ways the appointments are worse because I don't have cancer...in the beginning when the diagnosis was new, it was clear that I had it and so the tests were not really going to tell me otherwise.

Almost 3 years later, even though I feel very healthy both mentally and physically, these appointments make my vulnerabilities rear their ugly head while I sit anxiously awaiting results. I think about all that I have to lose, my children, my friends, a love for life; not to mention the potential of facing another fight that will be more brutal than the last. And if I did have to fight again, would I have the strength?

All these thoughts go through my mind as I sit in the waiting room trying not to notice that there are many older people around and they are all staring at me...or at least that what it feels like.

In the end though, the man who draws my blood and wears a "cancer sucks" pin on his white coat always makes me laugh, especially when he draws the smiley faces on my band-aids. The nurses show kindness that is over and above my expectations and my Oncologist, Dr. Collea, just rocks!

So this Thursday oh how I wish to recieve another "get out of jail free" card aka "clean bill of health" just so I can move on with the next 4 months of my life...

Thanks for reading!