Fearless Defined??? Cancer Plus a Whole Lot More

This photo was taken in NYC on a Boat Cruise that I took with my daughters who helped raise over $5,000 last year for the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk in Albany's Washington Park. Upon raising $2,500 or more you become part of an elite group of fundraisers for the American Cancer Society...A Pacesetter....I am also a daughter, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a business professional, a philathropist, a friend and someone who struggles every day to stay defined as such, and not just as a cancer patient.

As an almost 3 year survivor of breast cancer, every morning I think about all that has been gained and lost since my diagnosis. I have a BC life and an AC life. While I wouldn't trade the life experiences for anything, I always wonder about what my perspective would have been like with no cancer diagnosis.

Would it be easier to wake up every day, or has the knowledge that life is fragile and short made me appreciate all that I have? It is clear that this realization has led me to change the things in my life that are not working (sometimes in unproductive ways). Yet it is unclear whether those changes would have happened without cancer. I am not sure and perhaps it doesn't even matter.

The greatest concern is that all that I have strived for over the course of my life will get lost and I will be redefined as that woman who had cancer...and nothing more. I am proud to be a survivor, but when all is said and done and I take my last breath, I hope my friends and family see me as so much more than that....

Cancer may have shaped my life, but it will never define my life.

Be Well.

Time To Fly Little Bird...

Even if your mom is not quite ready for you to go.

One of the realizations that I had when I was diagnosed with cancer and facing my own mortality was that my eldest daughter was painfully attached to me. She had always been that way ever since she was born. We as parents did nothing to discourage that. As an infant she would cry so hard when I would leave her that she would make herself sick; so I didn't leave her very often.

As she got older, we continued the doting and essentially we became what modern sociologists call "helicopter parents"...always hovering, tending to every need and whimper and always acting on behalf of the child instead of kindly encouraging the child to do for herself. While it seemed that we were raising a kind, bright, self-adjusted kid, a cancer diagnosis made it crystal clear to me that this kind of parenting would make it all the more difficult for my daughter to cope if I were to die of this disease (not to sound morbid, but that is what was going through my mind at the time).

Often I have discussed my learning's from cancer, but to date I have wanted to explain how it dramatically changed my parenting style from one of continuous attention to my girls to conscious empowerment of my girls. It was important that if something were to happen to me, my daughters would be okay. I made a point of starting to encourage them to solve their own conflicts, do things more often for themselves, and continue to build their self-confidence. The end result was that I had to let go and now it feels so much easier and lighter to parent children who take pride in being independent and confident in their abilities to make decisions of their own.

While I am still far from being a perfect parent, I am proud of the fact that I have been able to let my children fly by the parenting choices I have made, and not because of the losses they could have faced had my fight with cancer had taken a different path. Watching my kids soar is the best feeling a mother could ever have.

Hannah and Jessie...You make me proud every day. Keep on flying!

Hooray for CYP2D6 Ultra Rapid Metabolizer!!!

My last post was in anxious anticipation of an upcoming Oncology appointment. At this appointment, Dr. Collea recommended I get tested to see if my body changes Tamoxifen properly into Endoxifen which is ultimately responsible for much of the anti-cancer effect of Tamoxifen. For those of you who don't know my history, I am estrogen receptor positive and Tamoxifen is the ONLY drug treatment for pre-menopausal women. I decided to get the CYP2D6 test as it would allow me to make choices about my health before a recurrence could happen.

If you are a poor metabolizer of Tamoxifen it is unlikely that your body will convert the Tamox. into it's most active form, Endoxifen. This essentially means that the drug is not an effective breast cancer treatment. Doctors recommend if you are a poor metabolizer, that you choose a different form of treatment such as ovarian suppression or removal -- which are not without significant side effects.

Okay enough background. I took the CYP2D6 blood test to determine my metabolizer genotype. Today I received a call from Dr. Collea, when I saw the number, my heart sunk...I answered the phone as a pessimist "what's the bad news Doc.?" He proceeded to tell me to stop being a pessimist because I am an ultra rapid metabolizer of Tamox. This means that my body very effectively changes this drug into its most effective form, Endoxifen.

Hooray! Hooray! Another lesson learned and another cause for celebration! I know this all too well...We spend way too much time worrying about what may happen in our lives, and not enough time rejoicing and savoring the moment when life is good.

I am savoring it now!

Fearlessly Vulnerable...

Anyone reading this knows that my screen name is fearless and for most things, I have no fear...Just ask my friends! Thursday I head to my regularly scheduled Oncology appointment; every 4 months for an exam and blood tests to see if there are any stray cancer cells left in my body. So far, I am all clear.

While I am not any more worried about this visit in comparision to the other bazillion appointments and tests that I have to take, the appointments are still as painful to bear as they were when my diagnosis was new. Infact, in some ways the appointments are worse because I don't have cancer...in the beginning when the diagnosis was new, it was clear that I had it and so the tests were not really going to tell me otherwise.

Almost 3 years later, even though I feel very healthy both mentally and physically, these appointments make my vulnerabilities rear their ugly head while I sit anxiously awaiting results. I think about all that I have to lose, my children, my friends, a love for life; not to mention the potential of facing another fight that will be more brutal than the last. And if I did have to fight again, would I have the strength?

All these thoughts go through my mind as I sit in the waiting room trying not to notice that there are many older people around and they are all staring at me...or at least that what it feels like.

In the end though, the man who draws my blood and wears a "cancer sucks" pin on his white coat always makes me laugh, especially when he draws the smiley faces on my band-aids. The nurses show kindness that is over and above my expectations and my Oncologist, Dr. Collea, just rocks!

So this Thursday oh how I wish to recieve another "get out of jail free" card aka "clean bill of health" just so I can move on with the next 4 months of my life...

Thanks for reading!

Red Lipstick Rules...Cancer Can't Take That From Me! (A Dedication to Bev)

To say that Breast Cancer is just a disease would be letting the beast off easy. "A disease is an abnormal condition of an organism that impairs bodily functions and can be deadly. It is also defined as a way of the body harming itself in an abnormal way, associated with specific symptoms and signs."(Wikipedia) This is an understatement when you receive a breast cancer diagnosis.

The illness hits its warriors more than once...first with the discovery of the cancer, and second with realization that you may lose all that makes you feel like a woman. First, it may be your hair and eyebrows due to chemotherapy, and then for some, surgery, to either remove your breasts and/or your ovaries. In essence doctors cure the disease by eliminating the presence of estrogen in one's body and cutting (no pun intended) to the core of the things that we women use to define our sexuality and self.

While, I personally was not dealt all of these blows, I have friends who have faced each and every one of them. Beautiful, brave women who have fought and suffered. No matter how may blows we endured, we all stood strong as our health and mortality were challenged along with our womanhood; the disease still has the ability to harm us in more than a physical way.

In my case, I think about my body in a whole different way since my view of the world from my stretcher and hospital bed. Initially, I had anger that my body, which I felt I took such good care of, failed me in the worst way. I also wondered what was going through the mind of my young Oncologist whose wife was just a couple of years younger than me.

Almost 3 years later, I am thankful for a good run outside or a killer spinning class that pushes my body to its limits and leaves me a sweaty mess. But what I am most grateful for is that same red lipstick that I wore before, during and after breast cancer treatment is still worn proudly to symbolize all the disease tried to take from me, but ultimately could not.

How to Drive Off-Road...and Survive a Cancer Diagnosis at the Same Time

During my difficult time with my diagnosis, I had moments where I didn't think I could keep it together. My news was rough, kind of like driving on a straight, smooth well lit highway and then bam, all of a sudden you are off road in the dark. If you have never driven that way, it is a shocker, some panic, some stop altogether but I had to keep going...for the sake of my two little girls.

Since then, I have had friends and acquaintances who have also been diagnosed with cancer. I shared my techniques for this off-road experience, if I can call it that. Here goes:

1. Have a great, compassionate Oncologist. If you select one and they don't turn out to be what you expected, switch doctors. My doctor supported me and gave me the confidence in going and getting a second opinion, reviewing all my options and taking a little time to finalize my treatment decisions. There are so many choices and elements of the disease that you don't have control over when you are diagnosed with cancer. Your doctor should give you the freedom to explore all of your potential directions before you drive on to make any major life decisions. As an example, my Oncologist upon hearing that I wanted a second opinion from a major hospital in NY told me to go for the second opinion without hesitation and to take the time that I needed to finalize my treatment plan.

2. Let your friends and family help you while you are experiencing your extreme off-road ride. I have never been one to ask for help, but what a relief it was to come home from a surgery and have dinner already prepared. It was also such a blessing to know that my kids were well cared for while I had to take care of health issues. It is very hard when one is diagnosed and they are still the primary caregiver for the family. Anything your friends and family can do to help will make the road a little less rocky. Your task is to focus on the ride, let others help with the rest.

3. Read a good book to keep your fears in check. Power Freedom and Grace by Deepak Chopra was a book I carried with me to the doctor's visits, test, surgery, etc. The book kept my thoughts grounded when I felt like I may panic about the ride ahead. I also liked reading InStyle Magazine as a way to divert my thoughts and think about something besides coping with a cancer diagnosis, a new pair of shoes perhaps.

4.Escape into a frivolous television show. I started watching Sex and the City reruns and I think the reason I connected so well with the show at that time in my life is because it was a way to escape from the terrifying reality of what I was going through at that time into a fun world of women and everyday women issues. It allowed me to connect with "normal life" if you can really call that series "normal." Breast cancer affects women on so many levels, to stay connected with womanhood is an important part of smoothing out the rough ride.

5. Be kind to your body and mind. My Mom brought me double dark chocolate Lindt truffles. My friend, who also happens to be my hairdresser, took care of my hair when I couldn't. I had my nails done, even though I wasn't getting them done before I was diagnosed. Meditation and yoga helped to keep my body and mind connected. These are little things that you can do for yourself when you are driving off road in the dirt and the mud. They keep you feeling well cared for at a time where you are questioning your faith in your own body. Did mine fail me, is that why I had cancer? Take care of your body and your mind in all of the ways that make you feel good. The drive ahead will not seem so daunting.

The bottom line is, you are on a journey, an adventure if you will that you would never in your wildest dreams ever choose to embark on. But you are in the thick of things and there is no turning back, no chickening out, the road ahead is not for the weak. To survive you must have the courage to forge ahead, face your fears and become an expert at extreme off-road adventures.

If you have suggestions for extreme off road driving, feel free to leave a comment.

Be well.

Lessons from the Demolition Derby

My friend Guiness Girl from chickswhochat.blogspot.com and I along with my two daughters ages 8 and 5 worked the at the fair to raise money for our company team participating in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in October. I was really dreading standing around at the fair for 6 hours asking for money. Was I pleasantly surprised!

My daughters had a great time and felt like they were making a difference for other women who, like their mom, are or will be diagnosed with cancer. Most people we encountered were very generous and appreciative of the work we were doing on a beautiful holiday weekend.The theme of the fundraiser was "Demolish Breast Cancer". We had 4 generous individuals donate their old cars, which were then painted pink. The afternoon was spent asking folks to "make a donation and sign the car!" We had people of all ages, genders and backgrounds signing this car from top to bottom and anxiously awaiting the demolition derby at which time these cars would be demolished as a show of support for the fight against breast cancer.

A day that I was not looking forward to suddenly became a life lesson for my kids and I. At the very least, my eldest daughter learned how to make change and practiced her math for the upcoming school year. More importantly, my girls saw people at their best, donating their money toward a cause that personnally affected my girls two years ago. People congratulated them on their mom's survivorship, told stories of their own experience with cancer, donated proceeds from the food we bought from them to the cause (thank you to the lemonade slushy and apple cider donut booth across from us).

There were kind people who thanked us for spending our day at the fair by working for the American Cancer Society instead of going on rides and playing games. There were men and women, boys and girls and yes....even teenagers ralling around this important cause.

Working this fair gave me the opportunity to show my girls the good in people. There are so many times where you have to shield your kids from being exposed to what is not right in the world --thank you to all the people who visited our booth and gave me the chance to show my kids that kindness, caring and generousity does exist in people from all walks of life!

Cancer can take away so many things from us, our friends and loved ones, our confidence, our ability to live carelessly. In my case cancer has given me a different outlook, enabled me to live fearlessly, more in the moment and appreciate simple things. This disease has allowed me to see the good in people in ways that I hadn't before. Cancer gave my kids a clear reason to get behind a cause that they could personnally champion so that their focus could be on more than just themselves and instead, be on making the world a better place for all.

At the end of the night my kids could not wait to have an ice cream cone and get home and see how much was raised from their efforts at the fair. We counted the box of donations, and that day our Team raised $817 toward the fight against breast cancer. My 8 year old then said "Mom....sign me up for next year!"

If you would like to make a difference, please feel free to check out my fundraising site and remind the women in your lives to get their annual mammograms.