Fearlessly Vulnerable...

Anyone reading this knows that my screen name is fearless and for most things, I have no fear...Just ask my friends! Thursday I head to my regularly scheduled Oncology appointment; every 4 months for an exam and blood tests to see if there are any stray cancer cells left in my body. So far, I am all clear.

While I am not any more worried about this visit in comparision to the other bazillion appointments and tests that I have to take, the appointments are still as painful to bear as they were when my diagnosis was new. Infact, in some ways the appointments are worse because I don't have cancer...in the beginning when the diagnosis was new, it was clear that I had it and so the tests were not really going to tell me otherwise.

Almost 3 years later, even though I feel very healthy both mentally and physically, these appointments make my vulnerabilities rear their ugly head while I sit anxiously awaiting results. I think about all that I have to lose, my children, my friends, a love for life; not to mention the potential of facing another fight that will be more brutal than the last. And if I did have to fight again, would I have the strength?

All these thoughts go through my mind as I sit in the waiting room trying not to notice that there are many older people around and they are all staring at me...or at least that what it feels like.

In the end though, the man who draws my blood and wears a "cancer sucks" pin on his white coat always makes me laugh, especially when he draws the smiley faces on my band-aids. The nurses show kindness that is over and above my expectations and my Oncologist, Dr. Collea, just rocks!

So this Thursday oh how I wish to recieve another "get out of jail free" card aka "clean bill of health" just so I can move on with the next 4 months of my life...

Thanks for reading!

Red Lipstick Rules...Cancer Can't Take That From Me! (A Dedication to Bev)

To say that Breast Cancer is just a disease would be letting the beast off easy. "A disease is an abnormal condition of an organism that impairs bodily functions and can be deadly. It is also defined as a way of the body harming itself in an abnormal way, associated with specific symptoms and signs."(Wikipedia) This is an understatement when you receive a breast cancer diagnosis.

The illness hits its warriors more than once...first with the discovery of the cancer, and second with realization that you may lose all that makes you feel like a woman. First, it may be your hair and eyebrows due to chemotherapy, and then for some, surgery, to either remove your breasts and/or your ovaries. In essence doctors cure the disease by eliminating the presence of estrogen in one's body and cutting (no pun intended) to the core of the things that we women use to define our sexuality and self.

While, I personally was not dealt all of these blows, I have friends who have faced each and every one of them. Beautiful, brave women who have fought and suffered. No matter how may blows we endured, we all stood strong as our health and mortality were challenged along with our womanhood; the disease still has the ability to harm us in more than a physical way.

In my case, I think about my body in a whole different way since my view of the world from my stretcher and hospital bed. Initially, I had anger that my body, which I felt I took such good care of, failed me in the worst way. I also wondered what was going through the mind of my young Oncologist whose wife was just a couple of years younger than me.

Almost 3 years later, I am thankful for a good run outside or a killer spinning class that pushes my body to its limits and leaves me a sweaty mess. But what I am most grateful for is that same red lipstick that I wore before, during and after breast cancer treatment is still worn proudly to symbolize all the disease tried to take from me, but ultimately could not.